Worried About Your Loved Ones in the Post-Rapture World?

Worry no more:

A new “after the Rapture” email service has been launched. Unlike other post-Rapture mailing services, the You’ve Been Left Behind website allows the customer to edit all documents and addresses at any time. This online site is run and programmed by Christians. It employs a “dead man’s switch” to automatically send the Emails after the Rapture of the Church has taken place. Multiple safeguards have been put into place to prevent premature sending of stored documents.

I think this might be my new favorite thing.

From youvebeenleftbehind.com:

We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the “Rapture” of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

So what happens if none of the team members are raptured? What if all of them are simply doing this for cynical reasons?

In case you’re wondering why:

The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the “tribulation period” after the “Rapture”.

Snip

Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it.

But it’s not just a way to say I told you so!

In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys’ (you won’t be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won’t be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.

You can say “I told you so!” AND make sure that the Government of the Anti-Christ doesn’t get your stuff!

What could be better?

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10 responses to “Worried About Your Loved Ones in the Post-Rapture World?

  1. Um, wow. This one kind of left me speechless.

    Did you see their blog with all the letters composed by their subscribers?

  2. Just checked out the blog. There is some seriously good shit in there. It also contains some practical advice, such as:

    (1) “The water in rivers will turn to blood, so get a water purifier like hikers use.” (Seriously?!?! That’s one hell of a water purifier…..)

    (2) “Keep your water purifier in your hideaway cabin” (Sure….solid advice. Makes total sense. Wait a minute?!?! Hideaway cabin???? The rapture requires that I purchase a second home??)

    (3) “If you are still reading this article, then I believe you would rather believe the truth than delight in wickedness.” (I don’t know…..I’ve had an awfully good time in my 33 years on this earth delighting in what you rapturees probably consider wickedness…..)

    (4) “Look out for the guy who wants to bring peace.” (hmmm….so what you’re saying is that Dick Cheney isn’t actually the Antichrist. Because I think he was ahead in the Intrade markets….and he did shoot his friend in the face)

    (5) “Bibles may be banned ultimately, so secure yours soon.” (Will the one I bought back in college for a philosophy class suffice?? What if I’ve highlighted in it???)

    (6) “It may be posed that the vanishing of all those evangelical Christians is actually a good thing.” (I have to tell you, I’m struggling to see the downside…..)

    (7) “At this point you have nothing left to lose.” (That may be the strangest argument in favor of organized religion I’ve ever heard. Well done, crazy left-behind guy!!!!)

    (8) “You may find that some caskets buried in cemeteries are now empty.” (But if they’re buried, how will we…..oh, fuck it. Never mind.)

    (9) “I’m not going to dance around the truth. To put it mildly, you’re going to be experience (sic) seven years of hell on earth.” (Thanks a lot, dude. You give these fucking pep talks for a living???)

    (10) “Unfortunately, the Anti-Christ’s policy will be that those who do not accept the mark will be beheaded.” (Yes, that is an unfortunate policy. Does he at least post it clearly??)

    (11) “Go to the homes of missing people and search their bookshelves.” (So loot the people who got raptured is what you’re suggesting here….)

    Good stuff.

  3. GB, brilliant post! You gave me the best laugh I’ve had in a while.

    Would you mind if I put that on the front page?

  4. Thanks very much – I’m happy to provide some comic relief. Feel free to post wherever you like.

  5. I just wanted to clear up a couple of things. Not all of the letters on our customer blog are written by us. some are copied by permission from http://www.raptureme.com/
    Team members are carefully chosen. If they don’t get raptured then I don’t know who does. At any rate we could reccognize it and send the emails by not logging on.
    Gob Bluth you are a funny dude! I do have a sense of humour. 🙂

  6. Mark, I appreciate your commenting here and your sense of humor. We might not agree on these issues, but in as the Strokes sang, “We’re not enemies, we just disagree.”

    Please stop by here whenever you can.

  7. Pingback: Loved Ones in the Post-Apocolyptic World - a Follow-Up « Blog de Ford

  8. Thanks, Mark. Like our good host on this blog, I doubt you and I agree on very many things. But I stand impressed by your sense of humor and your good spirit.

    Cheers to you.

  9. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

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