Category Archives: religion

Biblical Marriage

Betty Bowers, America’s best Christian explains:

Is it clear now?

Rick Warren at the Inauguration

In my mind, Warren is the guy who wrote a book that meth freaks use to keep from being killed by bank robbers.

Apparently, there’s more to Rick Warren.

He appears to be a friendly guy who hates gay people and Democrats. But Obama has picked Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration.

Fundies are not happy that Warren has accepted. And neither are liberals.

I’m annoyed by the choice.

I understand that Obama is trying to bring all Americans together, and that’s one of the reasons I voted for him.

My main objection is that we have all feel like we’ve been taking orders from right-wing preachers for the past eight years. I’m tired of that shit.

I don’t want to have to hear anything from them again any time soon, unless I choose to attend a fundie church.

The invocation by Warren makes me think that we might have to continue to listen to those batshit-crazy fundie preachers. Why can’t they just go away and preach to their flocks and leave the rest of us alone?

How Often Do Fundies Shower?

This explains a lot:

A vigorous hand wash or shower could cause a person to be less judgmental.

A new study, set for publication in the December issue of the journal Psychological Science, reveals that when a person feels physically clean, he or she cuts others more moral slack.

Snip.

“When we exercise moral judgment, we believe we are making a conscious, rational decision, but this research shows that we are subconsciously influenced by how clean or ‘pure’ we feel,” said lead researcher of the new study Simone Schnall, a psychologist at the University of Plymouth in England. “Take for example the situation of a jury member or voting in an election — if the jury member had washed their hands prior to delivering their verdict, they may judge the crime less harshly.”

She added, “Similarly, someone may find it easier to overlook a political misdemeanor had they performed an action that made them feel ‘clean’ prior to casting their vote.”

Hmm, so in other words, those who feel the most morally dirty are the ones who are most likely to cast aspersions on others for their misdeeds, however so slight?

It uphold my supsicions about the fundies who feel it’s their duty to go around telling others about moral shortcomings while overlooking their own.

James Dobson, are you reading this?

Picnic Table Fucker: An Update

In April, I posted a story about a picnic table fucker.

In case you were wondering how it turned out, the guy was sentenced to six months last week:

BELLEVUE, OH — Police say a man was arrested after admitting to, and being caught on DVD having sex with his picnic table repeatedly.
Investigators say they received a tip that Art Price Jr., 40, of 146 Brinker St. in Bellevue was having sex with a picnic table while outside on the deck. The incidents occurred between January and March 2008.
Police say on March 13, the tipster dropped off three DVDs which showed Price in the act. On four occasions, Price is seen naked and masturbating in the rear room near the open doorway; he then comes out to the deck. He tilts the metal round picnic table on its side and lays up against it and has sexual intercourse with the table. Afterwards he cleans the table and the deck.
Police say the the incidents occurred close to Ridge Elementary School.

Um, I’m more worried about the people who recorded the picnic table fucker than I am about the guy who likes to fuck picnic tables. Everyone has his or her own fetishes. His fetish just happens to be picnic tables.

But, the article doesn’t state that school children could see the picnic table fucker, just that he fucked the picnic table near a school. What does that mean?

And surely, if one of my neighbors were a picnic table fucker, I’d probably just go to his door and ask him to stop fucking the picnic table outside. I’m sure he’d be so embarrassed that he would gladly oblige.

But who the hell tapes a picnic table fucker fucking a picnic table four times?

Silver Jews Saturday – David Berman on LOMLOC, Obama, and Squirrels – Part III

This is the final piece of the series. Part I is here and Part II is here.

David and Doris

Raford: In past interviews I’ve read, you emphasized your adolescence in Texas, but rarely have I have read you reference another part of your upbringing, which was in Wooster, Ohio. I hear a lot of Wooster influences in your lyrics. How has Wooster influenced your art?

DCB: It’s true that Wooster is something I keep to myself. It’s a secret wellspring of inspiration for me and always has. It is also a place of serious social awkwardness for me. My sense of myself as an artist and as a social human being starts at about age 15. I developed a public persona very late in life. I don’t talk about Wooster because I didn’t talk while I was in Wooster. Does that make sense?

Raford: Yeah, I didn’t realize you were shy like that early on.  I don’t think I said one word to any of my peers outside of the family until I was 16, so that makes a lot of sense.

DCB: Of course I “talked” to you and a few people but mostly I was zipperlipped.

Raford: A question about your Jewish faith. As kids, we were raised in very secular environments. Beyond trips to church and temple (for you) on holidays, I don’t see religion as a great part of our upbringing. As an adult, what drew you to Judaism?

DCB: Well Christianity is just out of the question for me. None of it makes sense when you get down to it. Just the little stuff like the trinity is complete bullshit. Judaism is massive and it all correlates and makes sense to me.

Judaism is what helped this small group of people survive for over 3000 years, without a common language, as empire after empire that tried to wipe them out crumbled to nothing. And they are still here. And until 50 years ago they had never even fought back.

The continued existence of the Jewish people is the only supernatural fact of history I can be sure of. A couple of years ago I realized that if  I wanted to survive the next forty years I was going to need whatever the Jews had that made them last. Judaism is that thing.

Raford: Wow.

Raford: This is a mostly political blog, so I’d like to hear your thoughts on the current political situation in the US and the world.

DCB: I think we are waiting for the crisis that will make the Republican way of living and legislating a complete anachronism. It will probably be a major disaster brought on by Republican policy, that in the struggle to repair will have the country finally waking up from a dream where we are all assholes and loving it!

David and Cassie

Raford: Obama? McCain? Barr? Nader? Pinny Doo?

DCB: It’s pretty clear that Obama has a date with destiny.

Raford: As kids, why didn’t we go outside more often?

DCB: I think if the squirrels and birds and fish had been more friendly we would have.

Raford: What was the story w/the window and the BB gun? Are you still being judged too harshly because of that incident that few living people understand?

DCB: Well you have never had a problem with it. I took out grandfathers bbgun pistol which was  for shooting squirrels! Anyway I walked out the street and turned around and faced the house. It was night so there was only one window glowing and it was right at eye lever. Behind the window you were drawing a picture on papa’s desk. Yes I pulled the trigger that night, but I swear that bb  wasn’t’ meant for you. I think it did make a crack in the storm window though.

Raford: I appreciate that the BB wasn’t aimed at my head. But all things seem to go back to the squirrels.

Raford: Have you been able to find any creme sticks that can compete with those from Buehler’s?

DCB: Every couple years Ill see one but it’s no good.  I only liked vanilla. The Maple ones were weird. I never liked that old fashioned flavor. Maple I associated with Wooster.

Raford: You didn’t like the maple ones? How is that possible?

DCB: Did you know they opened a Buehler’s in Louisville a couple of years ago where a Winn-Dixie was. I couldn’t make anyone understand who weird it was that there was a Buehler’s there. Subsequently they left.

Raford: Damn! People don’t understand that magic that is Buehler’s if we’re lucky, there might be at least a couple of readers who understand that grocery store’s beauty.

Raford: Any pizza like Coccia’s?

DCB: That pizza is weird. I  believe they were actually Albanian shepherds who presented themselves as an Italian pizza family when they arrived in Wooster..

Raford: Man, I love that pizza! I think the secret is in the provolone cheese and the garlicky red sauce.

David, thanks so much for taking some time to chat with me. Good luck w/LOMLOC! It will do well.

Loved Ones in the Post-Apocolyptic World – a Follow-Up

A couple of days ago, I wrote a post about youvebeenleftbehind.com. To me, it’s a very funny site. They have a blog.

In the comments of that post, Gob Bluth made me laugh hard:

(1) “The water in rivers will turn to blood, so get a water purifier like hikers use.” (Seriously?!?! That’s one hell of a water purifier…..)

(2) “Keep your water purifier in your hideaway cabin” (Sure….solid advice. Makes total sense. Wait a minute?!?! Hideaway cabin???? The rapture requires that I purchase a second home??)

(3) “If you are still reading this article, then I believe you would rather believe the truth than delight in wickedness.” (I don’t know…..I’ve had an awfully good time in my 33 years on this earth delighting in what you rapturees probably consider wickedness…..)

(4) “Look out for the guy who wants to bring peace.” (hmmm….so what you’re saying is that Dick Cheney isn’t actually the Antichrist. Because I think he was ahead in the Intrade markets….and he did shoot his friend in the face)

(5) “Bibles may be banned ultimately, so secure yours soon.” (Will the one I bought back in college for a philosophy class suffice?? What if I’ve highlighted in it???)

(6) “It may be posed that the vanishing of all those evangelical Christians is actually a good thing.” (I have to tell you, I’m struggling to see the downside…..)

(7) “At this point you have nothing left to lose.” (That may be the strangest argument in favor of organized religion I’ve ever heard. Well done, crazy left-behind guy!!!!)

( 8) “You may find that some caskets buried in cemeteries are now empty.” (But if they’re buried, how will we…..oh, fuck it. Never mind.)

(9) “I’m not going to dance around the truth. To put it mildly, you’re going to be experience (sic) seven years of hell on earth.” (Thanks a lot, dude. You give these fucking pep talks for a living???)

(10) “Unfortunately, the Anti-Christ’s policy will be that those who do not accept the mark will be beheaded.” (Yes, that is an unfortunate policy. Does he at least post it clearly??)

(11) “Go to the homes of missing people and search their bookshelves.” (So loot the people who got raptured is what you’re suggesting here….)

Mark from youvebeenleftbehind.com stopped by to clarify a some items:

just wanted to clear up a couple of things. Not all of the letters on our customer blog are written by us. some are copied by permission from http://www.raptureme.com/
Team members are carefully chosen. If they don’t get raptured then I don’t know who does. At any rate we could reccognize it and send the emails by not logging on.
Gob Bluth you are a funny dude! I do have a sense of humour. -)

Mark, again, thanks for stopping by. We probably don’t agree on 90% of this issues, but I thank you for engaging us in a friendly way.

Worried About Your Loved Ones in the Post-Rapture World?

Worry no more:

A new “after the Rapture” email service has been launched. Unlike other post-Rapture mailing services, the You’ve Been Left Behind website allows the customer to edit all documents and addresses at any time. This online site is run and programmed by Christians. It employs a “dead man’s switch” to automatically send the Emails after the Rapture of the Church has taken place. Multiple safeguards have been put into place to prevent premature sending of stored documents.

I think this might be my new favorite thing.

From youvebeenleftbehind.com:

We have set up a system to send documents by the email, to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the “Rapture” of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe any false triggering of the system.

So what happens if none of the team members are raptured? What if all of them are simply doing this for cynical reasons?

In case you’re wondering why:

The unsaved will be ‘left behind’ on earth to go through the “tribulation period” after the “Rapture”.

Snip

Imagine how taken back they will be by the millions of missing Christians and devastation at the rapture. They will know it was true and that they have blown it.

But it’s not just a way to say I told you so!

In the encrypted portion of your account you can give them access to your banking, brokerage, hidden valuables, and powers of attorneys’ (you won’t be needing them any more, and the gift will drive home the message of love). There won’t be any bodies, so probate court will take 7 years to clear your assets to your next of Kin. 7 years of course is all the time that will be left. So, basically the Government of the AntiChrist gets your stuff, unless you make it available in another way.

You can say “I told you so!” AND make sure that the Government of the Anti-Christ doesn’t get your stuff!

What could be better?